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This story is based on a combination of events in my life which I have combined into one. Please indulge me my memories of loved ones lost.
Of course, I knew it before the doctor gave me the news. I know my body and for some time now it hasn’t been right.
The prognosis didn’t frighten me. Not so much anyway. At least now I knew when and how I was going to die. The difficult part was dying alone.
Estranged from my family, or what was left of it, having been divorced for some 12 years, and having my latest stomp off in anger and confusion because I’d stopped having sex with him, left me quite alone.
I could have told Leon that I was sick. He might have understood. He might have. Leon was a spoiled shit even if it was me that spoiled him.
All these thoughts and a cluster more sped through my mind as I walked home from my latest and last medical appointment.
The wind was harsh, cold. I put my hands in my pockets and hunched my shoulders up, and my chin down. Dead leaves and trash swirled and danced to the gusts. Overcast skies matched my bleak mood and dulled the cityscape.
The city had all but turned to crap and that crap was evident in the streets. Once a vibrant city, the corruption that was tearing it apart from within was now devouring it from without. I knew that feeling. I think it was almost a year ago when I first felt something was eating away at my insides. I had my suspicions but did not act on them. The battery of tests I’d subjected myself to were for confirmation only. “Why delay the inevitable,?” I said to myself over and over. “None of us are getting out of here alive.”
I stopped in the liquor store near my apartment and bought a half gallon of VO Gold. “Ah yes, the stuff dreams are made of, the breakfast of champions, chicken soup for the soul”. My getting drunk wouldn’t change the outcome, not one iota. It would, however, help dull the pain, and sharpen my reflections. “Add a carton of Kools to that Mike.”
I hadn’t smoked for nearly 15 years but they say it isn’t what you do today that will kill you. It’s what you did 20 years ago. Some shit has a way of catching up to you. Some shit you just can’t out run. My diagnosis confirmed that.
I turned my collar to the cold and damp and thought about that song of Simon and Garfunkel’s, “The Sound of Silence” and had a minor chuckle about the absurdity of it all.
A light drizzle spit at me. “Fuck, is this my karma?” My death sentence assured on a cold and windy day wasn’t bad enough. Now it was going to rain on my parade. “Parade hell. My procession.”
I left the lights off in my flat. The gray from outside suited me and I opened the blinds. The filtered gray created a kind of film noir look to my apartment. I opened the carton of Kools and took out a pack. That first cigarette was like seeing an old friend. I held it under my nose inhaling the familiar scent of my assassin.
My head spun with the first drag. My lungs, what was left of them, welcomed the mentholated intrusion. I coughed until I was dizzy and then hit that smoke again.
I poured myself a very generous glass of VO, neat. Ice is for summer and sissies, this is winter. The winter of my discontent as it were.
I sat back in my recliner and reached for the remote. I turned on a cable provided music channel, baroque, sound down low.
“Down low,” I snorted. I knew what that was. I lived it. Lived it until I was no longer on the DL. It was ultimately the cause of my divorce. Sue simply refused to share me with a man. I couldn’t blame her. I had lost all interest inn pussy after I met Leon. No, that isn’t right.
Leon took me away from pussy into a whole new world.
I exhaled, took a swallow and thought back to the beginning. My beginning.
I remembered back in the day, back when I was in my early twenties, I could do more tricks on new pussy that a monkey could on 50 feet of vine. Pussy was my drug of choice, my raison d’etre. I was proud of my ability to “pull” a woman out of a bar for a one nighter. But that’s wasn’t the half of it.
Women pulled me as well. I smiled remembering the time I was eating in a steak house alone. One side had jazz bands; the other half was dining. Vicky, the hostess flirted as she showed me to my table. My waitress was pleasant but not too friendly. But later, when I was half way through my porterhouse she stopped by. I was going to tell her everything was fine but she pointed to one of her co-workers and told me that she was shy but wanted to know if she gave me her number would I call.
Her name was Susan and I don’t care how many times she corrected me; I called her Sue.
I absolutely fucked that hostess Vicky. Spent a night and half the next day fucking and sucking. She had been around block more than once. My kind of gal. She knew what she wanted and was none too shy about getting it.
Susan was another story.
I made love to Sue. I hadn’t planned on it. I thought she was going to be another conquest but I had to admit it, there was something ikitelli escort special about her. Magnetic. The attraction was mutual. Shortly after our first assignation, we became inseparable.
Then husband and wife.
I smiled remembering the feeling I had when saying, “Forsaking all others.” I assured myself that I’d most certainly left a trail of well fucked ladies in my wake.
What was it about her? I remember looking down that first time we had sex and seeing her large brown eyes looking back at me. There was something there that captured my heart. A look of trust that I wouldn’t take advantage of her; use her and toss her out afterwards as I had so many before her. She was vulnerable yet open.
I would come to have that same look about me the first time Leon looked down at me with his cock in my ass. He did not react the same way I did though.
But that was a few years later.
At the start, my life together with Sue was one of happiness. We challenged each other in ways that were new to me. I worked hard to surprise her, to make her feel loved, wanted, needed. Sue returned my efforts with her own.
She had come to the East Coast city from the mid-West. Some small town 80 miles West of Chicago. Sue had all the Mid-America small town attributes which “big time city folks” either ridiculed or readily took advantage of.
That was until I looked down into those trusting and hopeful brown eyes. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for her and told her so.
Sue took that as an opportunity and had me swear off cigarettes. I went cold turkey becoming an ogre for a month. She stood by me and forgave the meanness oozing out of me as the urge to smoke finally faded. I was then 25 and had smoked for more than half my life. Cigarettes had been a friend, a crutch. Always there when I needed comfort, when I needed reassurance, when I was bored. I said good bye to my old friend because Sue came first.
We bought a house in the burbs and my best friend gave us a Pug puppy as a wedding gift. Sue loved that puppy. Me, well I was amused at the way he tried to fuck every stuffed animal toy he had. The Deacon was relentless in his pursuits. He reminded me of me in earlier times.
Thoughts of that Pug brought a smile to my face for the first time in days. I sipped my drink and tilted my glass in a mock salute to my long gone puppy.
I thought of my family and how, when the end, my end came, they’d probably welcome it.
My parents were dead. Mom by breast cancer which she bravely fought for two years before succumbing. Dad, passed a year and some later from what we all suspected was a broken heart.
That left me and two sisters.
At 18 I was an orphan.
It wasn’t that we were close. We touched base every so often and kept up with the family goings on.
My sisters were supportive of our marriage and accepted Susan as one of their own. She and my sisters spent loads of time together.
We tried to have a child, at least one but kept failing in our efforts. A visit to the doctor told the tale. I was shooting blanks. Seems I would be the last of my lineage.
Sue was broken hearted but we made do… well, I did anyway. We did, after all, have a Pug.
The house in the suburbs was pleasant and worth the commute. The train ride in allowed me to get an early start on the day’s work.
Months went by, then years. The routine was always the same and I always looked forward to coming home each night.
All that changed. I fucked it all up in a mid-life crisis of lust.
I remember it like it was yesterday. It started snowing as soon as I got to the office. The weather man proclaimed with confidence that the flurries would end by noon.
He was wrong. He could have looked out his fucking window and made a more accurate guess.
The Nor’easter blew in with vengeance, dumping 18″ of snow and creating drifts that covered automobiles. In only 8 short hours, traffic in the whole North East was grounded.
Train service was canceled for the night. I called home and informed my wife that I’d be home at the earliest and would get a hotel room for the night and not to worry.
I checked in early and was fortunate to get a room. Many commuters like me were stranded in town and those who acted later than sooner were left without accommodations.
I went down to the restaurant lounge for dinner. The dining area was crowded so I decided to eat at the bar.
Dim lights, a piano man playing softly in the corner. I ordered my fav, Vo Gold with a splash. I was looking at the menu when fate intervened in my life.
“I recommend the oysters Rockefeller,” Leon said appearing out of nowhere. “Followed with the steak tartar.”
“And you know that how,?” I asked.
“I have dinner here often when I stay in town.”
I took him at his word and ordered those.
He asked me for the menu which I handed him. Our hands touched for an instant. I pulled mine back but it was istanbul escort like a spark. I couldn’t explain it then just as I’m unable to explain it now.
I finished my drink in a single swallow and ordered another.
“Look, there’s a table open over there,” Leon said taking my elbow and steering me over to it.
I felt a little foolish when he held my chair out for me to sit and then assisted in tucking me closer to the table. Foolish but something else.
He told me his name and I told him mine. Leon never used my proper name. Instead of John, I instantly became johnnie. Well, at least to Leon.
He sipped his scotch and I took stock of my new acquaintance. He was beautiful. Handsome.
Even now as I sit in sad loneliness looking back, my heart beats faster with Leon on my mind. A handsome black man, in his forties. Slightly larger than my 5′ 9″ and very well built. Those brown eyes of his looked into my soul, my essence. I felt mixed up; little unsure of what I was feeling. Still, I was attracted to him which he sensed and seemed pleased with.
I don’t know if it was charisma or what. Leon exuded a commanding posture without being forceful. I don’t know if that explains what I’m trying to describe but he had a quality that made one feel, well, me anyway, like you’d follow where he leads.
Leon told me he was married with a son. Like me, he commuted by train and like me, he was also stranded for the night. He complained about not being able to book a room. He thought it was because of his race. I tried to assure him it was because he waited too long.
I refused to allow him to spend his night in the lobby as he had planned when the room didn’t work out.
I offered to share mine with him. “We’ll flip to see who gets the bed and who has to sleep on the couch,” I said.
We split a bottle of wine over dinner. Small talk was easy and Leon made me feel like I could tell him everything.
After he allowed me to go on about my wife, our Pug, our house with the picket fence, Leon told me about his life.
He had been in the military and had risen to the rank of Captain in the Army. After earning a couple medals and scars he took his leave. He and his wife moved to the burbs and Leon got a job at a brokerage house.
Well into our third bottle of wine, he asked if he could tell me a deep secrete. I assured him his secrete would be safe with me.
“I’m on the down low johnnie. My wife doesn’t know. No one does but me and those men I’ve been with.”
I asked him why he was telling me.
He looked at me with his beautiful brown eyes and told me he really liked me. “I have a thing for straight white bois,” he whispered.
My insides trembled.
He reached across the table and took my hand in his. This time I didn’t pull it away. It wasn’t a woman like caress. Leon clutched my hand as though we had just made a pact between us.
My voice was a tad hoarse when I confessed I’d never experienced sex with a man. I asked him what’s like.
Leon explained it in such a way that I could imagine myself trying it. Leon made it seem like the most natural thing in the world. Two guys, friends really, who admire each other’s bodies and aren’t afraid to show their admiration.
His voice seductive, Leon whispered how men loved sucking cocks and how they are so much better than women because we know what we like, what feels the best.
I fidgeted a little. I wondered why an old puss hound like me wasn’t turned off by the conversation. Harder still to understand was that I was getting somewhat turned on.
He saw that in me before I did and told me so. “But not tonight johnnie. You’ve been a God send letting me share your room. I’m not going to seduce you into breaking your vows to Susan.”
He insisted on paying which showed me Leon was nothing if not a gentleman.
Once in the room we listened to the weather and knew we’d probably not get home tomorrow either. A state of emergency had been declared and it was still snowing. I called room service and had them send up a bottle of VO Gold and Scotch for Leon.
My cell phone rang and I excused myself to go to the bathroom to talk to my wife. From behind the closed door, I could hear Leon’s phone ring and him talking to his wife.
I waited until I heard him say his good byes and I love yous before coming out of the bathroom.
We talked wives again and how we might be holed up for another night before the trains ran again.
Neither of us had planned for this and neither had clean socks or underwear.
It was awkward to be sure. For me anyway. I wanted to shower and wash my drawers out in the sink. Leon had the same idea.
“No matter what johnnie, tonight you’re safe. Next time we’re in a hotel room alone together, you’d better watch out.
I still feel stupid giggling the way I did at his promise.
Nothing happened that night. I was both relieved and disappointed. Leon was an attractive man and his flirting was a turn on.
I kadıköy escort took the couch and gave him the bed. It seems my spoiling hi began that first night.
The next morning I called in. The office was closed and tele-work was the order of the day. Same for Leon. The trains were still out of action. I called Sue early and told her the predicament I was in. She understood. She’d seen the news. I then called down and reserved the room for another night.
Leon called home and he too was off the hook. Like mine, Leon’s wife also was watching the news.
Our underwear still drying on the shower curtain rod and we wore towels around our waists.
I went to look out the window when Leon made his move. With the quickness of a striking snake, he pulled my towel off leaving me naked.
He played keep away with me jumping trying to grab my towel back but Leon held it over his head, well out of my reach. My dick flopping as I tried in vain to get my towel back.
Finally giving up, Leon said he’d make it fair. Without shame, he cast his towel aside and stood before me in all his splendid glory.
My eyes went immediately to his cock. Long and wide it was the biggest I’d seen, not that I’d been looking, you understand.
But look I did and Leon knew he had me.
My mouth waters today, as bad as I feel, I am still turned on by the memory of him.
“Fuck the towels johnnie. Let’s go full out commando.”
“Huh,?” I said refocusing my attention on his words and not his cock.
“Look man. Our suits and shirts are wrinkled from yesterday. Our underwear hasn’t dried and to tell you the truth, I’m tired of trying to keep that damned towel on. So while we’re working, let’s be naked.”
We spent the remainder of the morning on our Laptops naked. He on the bed, me at the small desk.
I’d steal a glance once in a while. His strong legs bent at the knee as he lay on his stomach. His round tight ass. Skin smooth, shining in the little light that was streaming in the window. I saw the scars of battle on his thigh and back. I hurt for him but said nothing.
It was around 1 or 1:30 in the afternoon when Leon surprised me. I was deep into accounting issues when I felt him on me. His cock rubbed against my shoulder as he pulled me out of my thoughts, “It’s lunch time johnnie. How about we head downstairs or would you rather have room service?”
“We should get out of this room Leon,” I said standing.
Instead of going to the bathroom, Leon took my hand and lead me over to the window. “Look at the snow johnnie. It covers everything that makes this city ugly. It’s beautiful. Don’t you think?”
He put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me into him. I did not resist. My arm snaked around his waist and we stood like that staring out at the city covered in snow.
I didn’t fight it either when his hand slide from my shoulders to cup my bottom. It felt nice. Strange, different, but nice.
He turned us to face each other. I looked up into his beautiful brown eyes. For a minute I thought he was going to kiss me. He didn’t. He was teasing, testing, feeling me out. He later admitted that he was looking for me to make that first move.
That moment, our first special moment ended when Leon said he was starving. We dressed in damp undies even though I’d used the hair dryer on them. I watched Leon pull up his briefs, the yellow silk contrasted nicely with his brown body. His package was impressive, snug as it was in that silk.
Talk was easy during our meal and Leon touched me many times. Nothing nasty. Nothing sexual really. He would take an opportunity to pat my hand, take me by my elbow. Lead me with his hand in the small of my back. He’d open doors, hold out my chair, wait for me to be seated before he sat. When I said I had to hit the head, Leon stood as I did. When I returned, he stood again until I sat. He was treating me the way I treated my wife.
I liked it. I liked feeling special. I liked being looked after. Our 2 Scotches and 3 VO’s lunch ended.
I was giddy. Not drunk, not even high. But light headed. Leon steadied me as we walked to the elevator.
As we entered our room, he patted my bottom. I didn’t squeak or squeal but it was just one more thing he did that made me feel special.
We checked our email and neither of us saw anything that required immediate action. I looked up from my computer and saw Leon getting undressed. Again I admired his body. His broad chest, sturdy legs, magnificent cock, the whole package.
He stood in front of the window. His hand on his cock. I watched him as he jacked himself to near erection. My own dick grew in my pants. I tried to be discrete when I adjusted it but Leon noticed. “Get undressed johnnie,” he said softly.
I nodded and began to remove my clothes. Leon watched openly stroking his cock.
I stood 4 feet away from him naked and erect.
Leon sat on the edge of the bed and beckoned me to come to him. It wasn’t so much he asked or wriggled his finger. He just sat with his legs spread and his cock available.
I became a cock sucker that snowed-in day. It was easy for me to kneel between his legs and marvel at his manhood.
I’ll never forget the way he soothed me, removed the fear, assured me that the stigma wasn’t like it used to be.
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