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My dreams and thoughts the past several days have all shifted to the sexual. In my twenties, it seemed to be all I fixated on, all that I could think about. It didn’t matter where I started out, it was always back to sex. As I grew older, my fascination and obsession continued, albeit in a different sort of manner.
And now in my forties, I have the benefit of hindsight to avoid making as many foolish decisions based on a lack of experience. I still contemplate sex all the time and wonder now if that singular focus ever truly subsides throughout the course of life. It’s always there, but it shape-shifts. It changes forms, like a conjuring magician, but the desire and drive are never gone for long.
Sometimes I dream of my musical partner. Those are the dreams of the erotic, but also of the bizarre. Before I fell out with my ex-wife, I seriously considered moving in with another woman. Our lovemaking was like nothing I’ve never experienced before with anyone else. She squeezed me as tightly and (a little painfully, I’ll admit) as she could across my back, as though by force of will alone she could guide my cock inside her at the precise spot she needed to climax.
Oral sex, my tongue against her drooping pussy lips was ineffective, even though I prided myself on being good at it instinctively with other women. I was told with a smile to go gentle on her slightly sagging breasts, which even with mild treatment didn’t produce much in the way of pleasure for her.
So it would have to be fucking. Like I said, I’m not used to being squeezed so tightly and with such physical exertion. It was like she became a feral animal for thirty minutes. The conclusion was always the same. The moment she reached orgasm and I reached orgasm, her eyes rolled back in her head and she let out a strange sounding sigh. Afterwards, she leapt up from the bed and headed immediately for the toilet. Proving what a strange character she was, she always let out a hearty giggle when my semen fell out of her vagina into the basin. It’s what we call gravity.
I knew we’d never have a successful romantic relationship because I have never had much appreciation or patience for fourth-grade immature humor, but apparently, she did. That day, we’d had lunch–hot dogs I’d found in the refrigerator, which we both ate. She couldn’t help herself but make sexual hot dog puns for days afterwards. But she was not in denial of her eccentricities.
“I’m an odd duck.” And she indeed was.
She would not tell me her real name. Nor would she tell me her real age, which I estimated was somewhere in her fifties. She always took along a small glass jar full of lube, which was needed because she wasn’t naturally the wettest. And when I thrust into her, I could tell the difference between how it felt inside her and a younger woman. It wasn’t unpleasant or unpleasurable, but the friction inside poker oyna the vagina was more palpable. It squeezed me back. I kind of liked it. It was different.
As she stripped off her clothes, her whole behavior changed. She swung her whole body a sensual quarter turn that was all long hair and shoulders, intended my direction. Most of the time she didn’t smile, so this was rare for her. Rare and appreciated.
This was new for her. She’d called around to all her girlfriends to see if sleeping with me would keep me around as her musical cohort. She desperately wanted a man to play alongside her huge, cumbersome double bass. She’d had no luck with women musicians. Men only. But what she never recognized is that she was so smothering and bossy that she drove one male musician off after another. That was a lesson I was soon to learn.
At the time, I was in my mid-thirties and in the middle of a decade-long marriage that had long lost its zest. My wife and I were going through the motions, so I began to explore the age-old concept of adultery. I can understand why it’s a sin. I’ll probably go to hell for saying this, but cheating is fun. All the secrecy, all the extra steps one has to take, the pleasure of sneaking around and the risk-taking that goes along with it is fantastic.
The problem (how typical) is that my odd little duck was starting to fall for me. She was in the middle of her own unhappy marriage, betrothed to a super nice guy who had a neurological condition that had forced him to retire early. For reasons never articulated to me, she no longer loved him. She cared for him, but I bet they had sex about as often as I did with my own wife, which is to say, not very much.
She assured me that he’d never believe that she’d been fucking another man, much less one so much younger than her. And I had no reason to believe otherwise. She never lied to me. But she was beginning to wear on me. I worked from home and had my own assignments to complete, but she always wanted to come over every day to my apartment to practice and then copulate, in that order. I never asked what she did for a living.
I began to see how tenaciously she was clinging to me. The metaphor inherent in our sex life was an apt one. She was heavily persistent and often invited herself over when I was in the middle of something. But I was getting something out of it, so I never complained too much.
She was actually a decent musician and filled out my original songs well. And she was my secret lover, who happened to fulfill a particularly strong fetish of mine. I like women who are older than me and she checked that box for sure.
The setup was perfect. My wife worked long hours and traveled all the time. This meant my nameless lover could practice, fuck, and then practice again for several hours a day.
Alas, the fly in the ointment. My lover was highly canlı poker oyna jealous. She began to purchase little things for me that were to be used for me alone, not my wife. The most notable example was when she found an inexpensive, but highly functional kitchen table that was, I was commanded, was strictly for my use, not my wife’s.
Uh oh. I hadn’t bargained for this. This was just sex, wasn’t it? No, apparently not, from her perspective. And then she brought over a handmade German chocolate cake for my birthday, with the admonishment that it was to be consumed only by me. My wife happened to be home at the time, but by that point in our relationship, she was only mildly interested in the origin of this table and made a weak compliment. After that, I hid my lover in plain sight, the oldest trick in the book, I know, but no one gives you a guidebook to know how to navigate an affair.
We’d gotten good as a musical duo; I have to say. If it hadn’t been for the age difference, I think other musicians at gigs might have thought we were sleeping together. But that seemed too implausible, even for an odd duck like her, right?
My lover called me around 10 am about a week later, when I was plotting out the day’s work schedule.
“I have a plan. I want you all to myself. My husband isn’t going to last much longer. I’ll move you in to my house, provided you’ll be his caretaker and you’re good to my daughter. When he dies, you can move in and then you can support me in my old age.”
I recognize that I’ve neglected to note that she had a teenage daughter, a girl who I had never met and barely knew existed. Her mother was one of the most secretive people I had ever met in my entire life. She hid so much of her life from the rest of the world. She’d even had her house divided equally in half, the practice space in one part, the living quarters in another. I was not allowed in the living quarters.
She spoke. “My husband wanted sex last night, but I couldn’t do it. I broke into tears.”
“He didn’t know what was up with me, but he wasn’t mean about it. Mostly he was concerned.”
Now she didn’t think she could sleep with two men simultaneously, much less keep up the pretext of a relationship with both. I’d been making myself fuck my wife at least to keep up appearances, but it wasn’t very good.
I realized at that moment that I had a decision to make, too. I had been contemplating divorcing my wife for a while and knew she probably would have no objections. We weren’t mad at each other. Maybe we were disappointed at the situation, but none of us were furious. Sometimes these things don’t work out.
My only serious reservation was what my family would think. Thank God we’d never had, nor wanted children. My sisters liked my wife and my wife’s family, but even they had recognized that we had long since become like the proverbial two internet casino ships passing in the night. Each promotion had meant longer and longer periods of travel, and that much distance was killing me. I don’t do well alone and never have.
At least if I took my lover up with this unorthodox, but oddly logical plan, I’d have someone who would always be around. The issue I had is whether she’d start to smother me even more. I like being wanted, sure, but would the end result of this pairing conclude the same way? I mean, obviously, I doubted we’d ever get married. I’d just be another cog in her secretive ways, if I chose this scheme for myself.
Adultery is selfish. Relationships can’t be, or they implode. I rationalized it to myself. My family would just have to get used to it. My sisters probably wouldn’t talk to me for six months and my father, he of no tact, would call me out immediately and ask me why I’d want such an ugly old woman. My lover was not ugly, but she certainly showed her age. Still, maybe I’d learn to love her with time.
And there was a certain relief in keeping my fetish intact. Our sex life had not ceased. I only wished I could make her cum in some way other than missionary, missionary, missionary. Still, I’d never really mastered doggy style because I’m a large man with a big frame and proportions don’t always work out.
I remember the first time I tried it. The woman I was sleeping with dropped to her knees, reached behind her, placed me inside her, but the sensation was odd and not comfortable. It lasted all of three seconds. Maybe I just needed teaching.
My latest fantasy was experimenting with my lover in different positions. I had no way of knowing whether or not she’d be receptive to the idea. My soon-to-be ex-wife was not particularly versed in sexual matters, but I will give her credit for one thing. She gave one hell of a blow job. If only oral sex was enough to keep marriages fully functional.
Over breakfast at the table my lover had gotten me, I asked my wife for a divorce the next day and was shocked at how nonchalant she was about it. “Fine,” she said. “No use delaying the inevitable. My heart hasn’t been in this relationship for a long time.”
“And I’m fucking my assistant anyway.” She stared at me the way people do at notable works of art, as if she was trying to make sense of my reaction.
I stared back, silent.
She’d had as much time to stray as I had. Was this really that surprising? I felt relieved, honestly.
Still, I think the normal response in this situation would have been at least a twinge of jealousy, but I felt nothing.
“Good. I hope he makes you happy.”
More staring. “Well, you should probably know that I’m pregnant with his baby. And he’s black.”
“Best of luck with that,” I said. “She’s not.”
I excused myself. I needed to tell my lover about the good news. I had a feeling that victory sex was about to occur, and I have to admit I was looking forward to it.
“I’m coming over,” I said, the minute she picked up. “Don’t forget the lube.”
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