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I stood with my lovely fiancée Jenna, one arm around her slender waist, pulling her against my side as we both smiled for the Tribune photographer. I let my hand drop when the shutter clicked, reminding myself not to frown at the scent of expensive perfume clinging to my suit. I had to admit we made a handsome couple, so I wouldn’t be at all surprised if we ended up making the society page. This marriage meant so much to my family, and to hers, and I understood how important it was to play my part. And I played it like a master.
Across the scrupulously manicured lawn I could see my father the State Senator in conversation with my future father in law, the Lieutenant Governor. Her father was a fire and brimstone social conservative whose support bolstered my more moderate father’s legitimacy with the value voters. The fact was, my father would never move beyond state politics without the Lieutenant Governor’s endorsement. Which this marriage would guarantee. It sounds bad, but the reality of it was I believed in my father. And this was the best way I knew of helping him. Jenna tilted her head up and I gave her a quick peck on the lips.
Sometimes I worried that she was expecting more from this marriage than she should. I liked her, I really did. Loved her even. We’d been friends since we were kids, and we had always known that this is what we were meant for. I didn’t resent her family or mine for pushing the marriage. I had gone along with it the same as everyone else. The Tomlisons and Wights had been in politics for generations. We knew how things worked. And I knew she wasn’t in love with me any more than I was with her. But I was also well aware that when she looked at me she saw at least the potential for something more, and I hated knowing that I was bound to disappoint her.
Sometimes I thought she must be a little thick. Didn’t she wonder why we had never slept together, never even done more than kiss? Didn’t she wonder why I was content waiting two and a half years to marry, until after I finished law school and passed the bar? Maybe it was her conservative “abstinence only” upbringing. Or maybe you just believe what you want to.
It had been almost a year since I had been with a man, and I could feel that old itch creeping up on me again. I would resist for as long as I could, but it always ended the same way. I let my eyes scan the crowd, mentally undressing all the fit attractive men between twenty and forty. I would never try anything with any of my dad’s friends, even the ones I knew or suspected would be interested, but I liked to look.
My gaze caught on one of the servers, a young man about my age. There was something that held my attention, but I couldn’t say what. It wasn’t his appearance. Short and kind of hawkish with dark hair and eyes, he wasn’t any more than average in the looks department. He met my eye and smiled. I looked away. Not much of a looker, but I had to admit he had a hell of a smile.
I mingled with the guests, but whatever I did I kept coming back to this one guy. It was embarrassing because I could tell he knew why. At least he was help and not one of my dad’s friends. The next time I looked at him he was already watching me. He smiled again, and nodded toward the ivy covered walled garden across the lawn. A moment later he walked off in that direction. Even though in my head I knew it was a monumentally bad idea, I only struggled with the decision for a moment. I would just talk to him. No harm in that.
I waited a couple minutes, then set down my drink and excused myself from the bank CEO and his busty twenty-something wife.
I entered the garden and found the server sitting on a bench, giving me the most mischievous look. This one was definitely trouble. I thought for a moment about going back to the party, but something about this guy had me in a twist.
I gave him my most winning smile. “Hi, I’m Vince.”
He laughed, like there was some joke I wasn’t getting. “Yeah.” He stood up to shake my hand. “Jack.”
His hand was strong and calloused, his smell warm and manly, soap and light sweat. Nothing at all like my lovely fiancée. I found myself holding on to his hand longer than necessary. He didn’t protest.
Something was off, though I couldn’t say what, something in the way he was looking at me. Like he expected something, and not just a proposition. In my head I knew I shouldn’t be touching this with a ten foot pole. I was usually so careful. But I wasn’t getting any warning bells, and I had come to trust my instincts when it came to men. I would just tiptoe around it. Maybe start out with some small talk.
“So, you been doing this long?”
“Picking up guys in hedge mazes?”
His bluntness brought me back to reality. Where I realized I was still holding his hand. I tried to let go. “No, I mean working for the caterer…”
He sniggered, but again I didn’t get the joke. I was trying pretty hard by then to get my hand back, but for his size he was surprisingly strong. And God help me it turned me on. I bet under the Çankaya travesti penguin suit he was all wiry muscle and…damn it, why wouldn’t he let go?
He clasped my hand harder and shook his head with an evil grin. “Nuh uh stud.”
Then in one move he pulled our bodies into full contact, leaned forward, tilted his head up and pressed his lips to mine. It wasn’t rough or forceful, but it was quick, and for a moment I was too shocked to struggle. But then my brain kicked in and I shoved him away.
I put my hand to my mouth, still feeling the warmth and pressure of his lips. My head was spinning. I had had sex with men before, but never kissed one. And it had been…what? My heart was pounding, and not just in fear. My cock was straining uncomfortably in my slacks.
Incredible. That was the word. Absolutely incredible. Jack hadn’t moved. He was eyeing the exit, but still watching me with that sexy smile. I licked my lips, and I could taste him.
In that moment my mind ceded control to my libido, and in spite of every piece of common sense I possessed I found myself grabbing a handful of the front of his shirt, drawing him to me, and kissing him full on the mouth. After a moment’s shocked hesitation, he kissed me back. Feeling him respond made me let out a moan, and he took the opening to flick his tongue past my lips, brushing mine with the lightest touch that was like a bolt of electricity. I opened my mouth more, meeting his tongue with mine.
I had spent the last few years since I discovered sex avoiding this very thing. I didn’t kiss my sex partners, I touched them as little as possible, avoided eye contact, and left as soon as we were done. If I could get away with it I didn’t even ask them their names. I didn’t need this, to know what it was like. But that sure wasn’t stopping me. Not that I think I was capable of stopping myself. The truth was that in that moment, if Jack had wanted, he could have had me then and there, a hundred yards away from all my dad’s friends.
Lucky for me he didn’t.
He pulled away with a smirk. “Just checking.”
He patted me on the shoulder and walked away.
I stood for several moments in a mindless, lust induced catatonia before the realization of what had just happened crashed over me. I collapsed onto the bench.
Not only had I kissed a man in a public place where anyone could have caught us, I had come on to a man who knew who I was. And, even if he hadn’t known he did now because I had actually told him my goddamned name. I had never been this reckless before. Had I really gotten that desperate?
I eventually returned to the party, ignoring Jack as he ignored me. I tried to settle the queasy feeling in my stomach by telling myself, even if he told anyone, who would they believe, a waiter or the son of an East Coast political dynasty? It was a disgusting thought and I hated myself for it, but found it comforting nonetheless. But nothing happened. No odd looks, no strange remarks from either the guests or the staff. By the time the fundraiser ended I was on edge, waiting for the shoe to fall. But it never did.
That night I knew I needed to have sex. Cold showers and C-SPAN just weren’t going to cut it anymore and I was, frankly, afraid to masturbate. If I elevated that kiss to a jack off fantasy there would be no getting rid of it.
So I put on an old pair of jeans, a tee shirt and a ball cap. I scanned myself over in the mirror to make sure I looked as lower-middle class as possible, then took a cab to a gay club downtown. I had been there a couple times before. It was a good place because it was pretty blue collar and the type of guys who went there wouldn’t recognize the Vice President much less the son of a Connecticut State Senator. The cabbie was giving me an odd looks so I had him stop three blocks away. Like I took a twenty minute cab ride to a bodega.
I sat at the bar and ordered a beer, thinking as I did every time that it would have been so much better if I had never started this. I hadn’t gone out looking for it the first time. Sure I looked, fantasized. But never planned on touching. It was my freshman year in college. I was young and naïve and by the time I realized what was happening it was too late to stop myself. I never saw the guy again, but from then on I was hooked.
I sat sipping my beer, scrutinizing the crowd, but the only guys looking at me were checking me out. A couple older guys tried to hit on me right away, but I let them down politely. I wasn’t exactly picky, but I knew I could do better without having to wait long. Sure enough, after ten minutes a moderately good looking Hispanic guy in his early thirties with broad shoulders and sun darkened skin sat down next to me. Probably worked outside, but unfortunately all I could smell was a little too much cologne. “Hi, my name’s…” the music prevented me from hearing his name, but it didn’t matter.
“John,” I replied, shaking his hand. It was rough and firm. The flare of heat in my groin told me this was the guy.
“So, Dikmen travesti I haven’t seen you around here before, are you…”
“You want to get out of here?” I interrupted. I knew this part was dangerous. There are a lot of psychos out there. But I wasn’t getting any weirdo vibes off this guy, and my instincts had never steered me wrong before. Besides, I was pretty damned desperate.
He blinked. “Um, okay. My place or yours?”
“There’s a hotel a couple blocks away.”
He frowned and his eyes darted to my right hand. Soon, I thought, but not yet. Maybe he had been looking for something with a little more potential. But he didn’t turn me down. I paid for both our drinks and we walked to the hotel. I had him check in while I waited out of view of the security cameras.
As soon as we got to the room he tried to kiss me, and for the very first time since I had started having sex with men I wanted to. God help me I really wanted to. But more than that I needed to not make this any harder than it already was, so I turned away and the kiss landed on my cheek. He gave a resigned sigh.
“Top or bottom?” I asked.
We took off our clothes and I sat him on the edge of the bed and rolled a condom onto him right before taking him into my mouth. He was a real gentleman and kept his hands at his sides, even as cried out in Spanish and blew into the latex that I had managed to lodge completely in my throat. I had a fleeting thought that he was probably a really nice guy. He even let me suck him long past the point he was squirming from the sensitivity. There was just something about sucking a guy off that always got me so fucking hot, and I knew just what I was going to do about it.
I flipped him over onto his stomach, put a condom on, and pounded his round ass until I came. There was no eye contact and I only touched him where I grasped his hips, but it was still amazing to watch my cock slide into him, to hear his grunts and know he was enjoying it too. When I pulled out I was happy to see he was hard again so I crawled up on the bed on my hands and knees and he did the same to me, and I came a second time from feeling his fat cock fucking me. I showered and left still not knowing what his name was.
After the Labor Day weekend it was back to classes. I was a second year law student at a very old, very prestigious, very expensive East Coast University, a fact that that had far more to do with my last name than with any personal merit.
I had managed to shove the weekend’s events into the deep dark recesses of my mind, but as it turned out they weren’t going to stay there for long. Because when I walked into Constitutional Law that afternoon I stopped dead just inside the doorway when it hit me why I hadn’t been able to stop staring at that server Jack during my dad’s fundraiser.
There he was. Sitting in the front row in the seat nearest the entrance. He met my eyes with a huge smirk, reveling in my ‘oh-shit’ moment.
“Oooh, there it is,” he laughed.
I broke eye contact and made a bee-line to the back row.
I could not for the life of me concentrate during class.
Twice Jack turned just enough to catch my eye and give me a wink. He clearly thought it was funny as hell, but I was started to sweat bullets. This stranger knew my most closely guarded secret. God only knew what he planned on doing with it.
But somehow the feeling I kept coming back to was guilt. Jack was an obvious full scholarship. His clothes were supermarket store brand that fit his skinny frame poorly and his laptop was obsolete five years ago. Not to mention he had to work holidays at fancy events serving rich jerks like me who didn’t even recognize him as one of their classmates. Even though I knew that the reason I hadn’t recognized him was simply because he wasn’t all that good looking, I cringed to imagine what he must think.
As soon as class was over I rushed the exit, but slowed when I saw Jack talking with Julian Monaco, the informal captain of the Constitutional Law study group. I gave Jack the evil eye, but he just grinned at me innocent as could be. Julian turned around, missing my expression.
“Hey, Vince. Do you know Jack Ulman?”
“No,” I rushed, at the same moment Jack said “Yes.”
“We’ve met briefly,” explained Jack, suppressing a laugh.
“Oh, okay. Well, Jack’s going to be joining us for study group for the rest of the semester.”
“Oh. Good.” I said through my teeth.
Julian looked a little confused. “Yeah. Did you know that Jack’s in the top five percent of the class?”
“No. That’s…really great. Just great. I’ll see you tonight.”
“Okay, see you.” I rushed out the door before he asked any questions. Jack was undoubtedly going to make it a nightmare, but any hope I had of staying off the bottom rung of the class depended on the study group. I would just have to play this by ear and hope my instincts would put me out on top.
I Eryaman travesti had been thinking for a while about joining the study group. I really preferred studying on my own, but there were some definite draws. Namely, clever, sweet, openly bisexual Julian Monaco. I’d had my eye on him since last semester, and if I was reading thing right I thought I might just stand a chance. He was definitely worth a try in any case. The opportunity to tease that closeted conservative prick Vince Tomlison just cinched it.
He hid it better than most so I had only begun suspecting that he was gay last semester. Little things gave him away. When he seemed to be staring into space it was usually in the direction of one of the more attractive male students. He only checked out girls if he saw other guys checking them out first. And even then I hadn’t been sure. Until his dad’s fundraiser of course.
If he had acknowledged or even recognized me I wouldn’t have made a move on him, but he just kept digging himself in deeper, and when he asked me how long I had been a waiter, well, he brought it on himself. That bastard just bugged the crap out of me, and I relished the idea of keeping him dangling.
Not exactly a mature attitude, I’ll admit.
The study group met twice a week at Julian’s place. He had a loft apartment near campus that he had inherited from his grandparents (yeah he’s old money, but at this university who wasn’t?), almost obscenely big yet comfortable, even homey.
I arrived early and was surprised to find Vince already there, deep in discussion with Julian about the topic of today’s class. He was so distracted that he didn’t notice me at first.
“Hey Jack,” Julian looked up at me with a broad smile. “Make yourself at home.”
I nodded and returned the smile. Even though there were a dozen spots at the table, I took the one directly across from Vince. He glared at me, but didn’t say anything.
“Thanks. Hey, where’s the bathroom?”
“End of the hall on the left.”
I used the bathroom, which was about half the size of my entire apartment, but when I opened the door Vince was standing there, glaring at me some more.
I patted him on the shoulder. “All yours buddy.” And tried to push past him.
He grabbed my wrist. I expected a denial, possibly a threat. Maybe he was even going to hit me. It wouldn’t be the first time. Some guys in the closet were wound pretty damned tight. I tugged back a little, but tapped down my defensive reflex. It wasn’t going to help my chances with Julian if I got into a fight in his apartment five minutes after getting here.
But Vince didn’t do anything. For a long moment he just looked at me, pinning me down with those striking blue-gray eyes, sizing me up. I actually had to fight not to squirm.
“Please,” he finally whispered, “please don’t tell anyone what happened.”
Wow. Didn’t see that coming. So I ended up just standing there and staring at him. Of course I wasn’t going to tell anyone, but some childish part of me couldn’t help but toy with him.
“Who would believe me even if I did, right?” From the guilty look that flashed across his face he had thought the same thing.
“Look, I’m sorry, okay. I should have recognized you. It’s not because…well, I’m just sorry.”
Yeah, I thought, sorry you got caught.
He took a deep breath and continued. “And none of that…you know…should have happened.”
Denial. That was more like it. “Uh huh, I guess it was an accident, right? You’re not gay, you were just confused, disoriented, or maybe you were drunk…”
He caught me in a stony stare that made my mouth snap shut.
“I’m not going to insult your intelligence by pretending that was anything other than what it was.” He paused for a moment before continuing. “And, not that it’s any of your business, but I wasn’t confused, or disoriented, or drunk. In fact, I know exactly how I’m oriented. Sucks for me that particular orientation doesn’t really fly with my dad’s constituency. I said it shouldn’t have happened, not that I didn’t want it to.”
I was at a complete loss for words, which didn’t happen very often. Of all the reactions I had gotten from closeted men over the years bald-faced honesty was definitely a new one. I shuffled my feet, avoiding his steady gaze and feeling every moment more like a stupid kid. I should be above this old game. Any desire to draw this out dissipated.
“Sorry,” I murmured, though I couldn’t really say what I was apologizing for. “But you really look the part, you know?”
“Yeah, that’s kind of the idea. Well?”
“I’m not going to out you, okay?”
He ducked his head, forcing me to make eye contact again. “Promise?”
That startled me. He was going to believe me on a promise? What, were we 19th Century country gentlemen? I studied his face. Yes, he was going to believe me.
“I promise. Your secret’s safe with me.”
He examined me for a long moment and I held his gaze.
“Thanks.” Then he released my wrist and walked away.
Wow. I should have just let the whole thing drop. Maybe I found his honesty intriguing. It was something that I had never encountered before. Besides, I reasoned, just because I had promised not to out him didn’t mean I couldn’t still tease him at every opportunity.
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