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When I was five years old, I met my soul mate. I didn’t know what the term meant at the time. I only knew that this soul was a kindred spirit. He was my friend in all ways. The one person on Earth I couldn’t disappoint no matter what. In him I found acceptance and companionship based on me myself and not out of a sense of familial responsibility. His name was Will. His was from a ranching family in the Texas panhandle.
My father was a vet and my mother ran the local diner. My name is Sean. My father is half-Mexican and my mother is fresh off the boat from Ireland. My older brother looks like him. They have the same shiny black hair, the same facial structure and even the same lack of body hair. I didn’t know whom I looked like until my mother showed me a picture of her uncle. I have the same wavy dark hair and the same nose and eye shape. But, I have my father’s olive skin. I am also hairier than my father. It is that silky, fine, shiny black hair, but my chest is only sparsely sprinkled with it. I stand six-four and have green eyes. Will and I are the same height. But he is golden haired and has the bluest eyes I have ever seen.
The day we met, our first day in kindergarten, I asked him what his favorite jelly was. He thought and thought for a few minutes while we played. After almost an hour, he turned to me and said strawberry. At first I didn’t know what he meant, but then I figured he had answered my question. This scenario we played out a lot. Any difficult question, anything he had never thought of before, he would get quiet before answering. Sometimes it was just a minute but a few times it was weeks.
When we were in high school, I started to realize that what I felt for him was turning into more than just friends. But I also knew my feelings were one-sided. The first time I realized that was after a football game when I walked in on him necking with one of the cheerleaders. Her name was Cassie. She was perky, pretty and I hated her because I was jealous. She was also a slut.
Will never could hold his alcohol. We one time drank two beers and he was plastered. He didn’t drink after that until the night of high school graduation. He got pretty plowed. The next day he told me he had finally talked himself into Cassie’s pants. It had been his first time. He was on cloud nine and asked when I would finally loose my cherry. I just smiled at him while I hoped I could find all the pieces of my shattered heart. It was at that moment that I knew I was doomed. I loved him and I also knew that I would live out my life in heartache.
Three weeks after graduation, Cassie turned up pregnant. Will was in a panic. But he did what family tradition and the moral values that his parents gave him demanded. He married her. They did it quick in the judge’s office. I stood up for him and even signed the wedding certificate. I also vowed to get along with Cassie. Within hours, Will lost that haunted look he had had since he found out he was going to be a dad. He was happy. The longer he had to think about it, the more he fell for her. It was amazing to watch someone fall head over heels. It was also one of the most painful experiences I had gone through.
Six weeks later, Cassie had a miscarriage. I got to the hospital thirty minutes after Will called me. I found out she had lost the baby. I went looking for a nurse when Cassie complained of the pain and overheard the doctor and a nurse talking. The baby was about two months older than Cassie was claiming. I knew then that Will hadn’t been the father but she was looking for one in him. I also knew that I had to confront her. It wasn’t pretty. She screamed and yelled that I was impugning her honor and all sorts of bullshit. I only backed down when she told me she knew about how I really felt about Will. That day in the hospital, Cassie and I formed a truce. A cease-fire because I am a coward at heart and someway, somehow, Will had fallen for the little tramp.
Will and Cassie settled in the foreman’s house on the ranch and I went to college. I didn’t have the stomach to be a vet like my father, but I did like the business part of it. So I studied to be an accountant and business manager. While away at school, Will and I would talk from time to time, but there was some distance between us. Mostly mine. I didn’t know what to say when he talked of how good things were between him and Cassie. I also felt guilty for betraying him and not telling him.
While in college, I tried having a normal relationship. I even slept with a few guys. Physically at first it was fun. My body was sated and content. But I felt hollow on the inside. No matter how great the guy was, he wasn’t Will. After a few months, I realized that I would probably never get over him. I also knew not to hook up with anyone for too long. No matter how hard I tried, it never worked. I settled for a few nameless, faceless fucks when my hand wouldn’t appease the physical yearning for release anymore.
After college, I moved home and started running a few of the town’s businesses, gaziantep bayan eskort starting with Dad’s office and Mom’s diner. I moved into a little cottage downtown and started hanging out with Will again. He was still blissfully happy. Each time I saw him, my feelings grew stronger. They grew to the point that I ached emotionally and spiritually. That ache was a constant feeling inside me. The only time the emotional ache was dwarfed was by my physical ache for release.
When I needed a release, I would drive a few towns away, pick up a guy, and quickly ease my pain. The contentment never lasted but a few minutes. On the drive home, I was usually more hollow and empty than I had been before. One time I made the mistake of screwing a guy in the back of my car. I almost lost it on the way home because the raunchy smell of meaningless, empty sex and my own lonely, hollow life overwhelmed me. I had screwed a guy in a fast food restaurant restroom, standing at a urinal in a bar, and once or twice at this nameless guy’s home. I didn’t know any of their names. I didn’t kiss them and I never was without a condom. The last time, about a year ago, I was inside this guy. He was moderately attractive and seemed to enjoy my movements inside him. But I knew it wasn’t going to work. I felt hollow already and I hadn’t even cum. I kept thrusting until he came then pulled out while he was in the throes. I hopped up and grabbed my clothes and left. On the drive home, I realized I could count on less then my ten fingers the number of men I’ve been with and I never screwed a single one of them more than once. I’ve been alone since. The physical ache hasn’t gotten bad enough in the last eleven months.
Last week, Will’s grandfather came to see me at my office. He asked to see me alone. He told me he knew Cassie was cheating on Will. He had had her followed. He wanted my help telling Will what had happened. I tried to decline. I knew that if I were there, Cassie would use what I felt for Will against the situation, turning me into a jealous home wrecker. His granddad told me he knew how I felt about Will. I looked up at him in surprise and fear. He told me not to worry. He had watched me for years and knew I only had Will’s best interest at heart. He also told me that he may be a small town cowboy, but he wasn’t ignorant of the ways of the world.
Before Will’s granddad and I could confront Will, he showed up at my door one evening as I was coming home. He was drunk and sobbing. He told me he had seen Cassie while he was in town picking up an order. He had seen her with someone who was with us in high school but a few years younger. She drove to his house. Will told me he parked around the corner and crept up to spy on them. He said he watched them not once but twice. He was devastated. He also had a half empty bottle of JD. He was very drunk. He told me he had gone home, packed up all her clothes and placed them on the porch. He canceled her credit cards, closed their joint bank account and changed the locks on the door. He then grabbed a bottle and came here.
I did what I could for him. I tried to console his grief. I hugged him. I sat by him and listened to him blubber out his hurt and betrayal. It wasn’t until this moment that I knew just how much he loved Cassie. I was jealous underneath all my sympathy. As the evening wore down, Will got tired after I fed him something, anything to soak up the booze. I stripped him down to his underwear and put him in my bed. I had never seen him like this before. He had stopped taking off his shirt when we were fourteen. Now I knew why. He was covered in thick, springy hair. All over his chest and belly, arms, legs, and the small of his back. He was beautiful. I pulled the covers over him and sat by him until he fell asleep. I smoothed his hair back off his forehead. Before I left, I leaned down and kissed his lips lightly and told him I loved him. I had never said it out loud before.
I left him asleep and went out and stripped down to my boxers and curled up with a blanket on my couch. I tossed and turned for a while before falling asleep. Banging on my door awakened me. It scared me out of my skin. The blanket was twisted around my legs as I sleepily tripped my way to the door. I threw it back and there stood Cassie, anger spitting from her eyes.
“Where is he?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about Cassie?”
“You’re full of shit Sean. Will always runs to you when he can’t figure out what to do.”
“I haven’t seen him Cassie. What did you do now?”
“You miserable shit. He will forgive me. He always does. He’ll never give his heart to you no matter how much you may love him.”
Her words hurt, but they were true. “I know Cass, he gave his heart to you. It is a precious gift and you keep stomping it into the ground.”
“You are pathetic Sean. You’re so in love with him and he will never, ever love you back.”
I was tired of taking her abuse. It may all have been true, but I didn’t have to put up with it. “How old was the baby you lost Cass?”
“Who was the father? Was it that stud you romped around with today? He would have been too young then to marry, but not know.”
“Shut up! You worthless, sniveling faggot.”
I don’t know why, but I slammed the door in her face. I had a feeling it actually hit her. But thankfully she did leave. I knew my face was hot. I was trying not to cry. I leaned my head against the door and prayed for relief. My prayers weren’t answered.
I turned and there was Will. He had pulled on his jeans but hadn’t snapped them and he hadn’t put on his shirt. I was speechless. He was even more beautiful in the light of day. Until I looked in his eyes I lived out a fantasy. He was happy I was there. He loved me as I loved him. Then I looked in his eyes. He had obviously heard our argument.
“Sean? Was it true?”
I nodded at him. I knew it was hurting him, but I looked into his eyes and saw his heart break again. His knees gave way and he just slumped to the ground. I knew it was wrong of me, but I had to know.
“Did you hear all of what we said, Will?”
“So you know how I feel?”
“Yes. But I always knew Sean. I didn’t learn anything new.”
That took the last of my energy and I slumped to the ground too. I thought life had been hollow before. I didn’t know the meaning. I was still in a pile on the floor when Will stood. He pulled on his shirt and boots and walked out. He didn’t even say goodbye. I knew then that our friendship was over. I had betrayed him by not telling him what I knew about Cassie.
Eventually I picked myself up off the floor. I went into the bedroom and rolled on the bed. I wrapped the sheets around me. They smelled like Will. With his smell in the sheets, I dreamed that the sheets that wrapped me up were his arms. It was his hand that reached into my boxers and his hand that stroked me. My dreaming was too potent. I came almost instantly. The moment the spasms stopped, I came out of my dream and was even more depressed then before. I got up and stripped the bed. I did the laundry and cleaned my house from top to bottom; anything to occupy my body and hopefully shut my mind off.
Later that afternoon, Will’s granddad came to see me. He took one look at me and asked when Will found out. I told him about Will following Cassie and how he showed up at my house. I swallowed the last shred of my pride and told him about Cassie’s visit that morning and about the last secret Will learned. His granddad just shook his head. He told me he knew all about the baby as well. He just didn’t know I knew. He told me to buck up then left.
The next few weeks were rather desolate for me. I worked and I played at sleeping. I really didn’t. Only when exhaustion overwhelmed me did I sleep. I told my family. I told them I was gay and how much I had fallen in love with Will. No one really seemed surprised. My mother just hugged me and called me ten kinds of fool for not believing in the love of the family. It wasn’t the best pick me up I had had, but at least I wasn’t lying anymore.
It had been almost two months and I hadn’t heard one word from Will. I knew that he and Cassie were divorced. They did it quickly. Good old granddad had reams of evidence against her. She accepted her divorce and grabbed her boy toy and left town. I was feeling very low and extremely lonely. I considered going to my little hideaway a few towns over. I just wanted a few hours of release, a break from my thoughts. I was about to go out to my car when I just thought why bother. Nothing would help. I got down a bottle from my cupboard and tried to pour myself inside it. The next few hours are a blur. I remember crawling into bed. I wrapped a blanket over me and dropped off to sleep.
A few hours later I was awakened by a noise. I was still muddled from drink. I thought it was a cat or something knocking over something outside. I drifted back to sleep. I felt that someone was in my room. I heard the shuffling of feet. I sat bolt upright in bed and grabbed the lamp. When it turned on, Will was standing at the foot of my bed. I’d forgotten he had a key to my house. I fell back on the bed and willed my scared heart to slow.
“Sean, I didn’t mean to scare you.”
I stared at the ceiling. “I know.”
“I needed to see you. I need to talk to you.”
I started to giggle. I was still too drunk for this. Will saw me and sniffed deeply. He half smiled at me. “So you’re drunk.” It wasn’t a question but I nodded anyway. He smiled at me and told me to go back to sleep. Our talk could wait. The alcohol pulled me under slowly. It was inevitable. But I felt Will sit down by my side as I started to go under. He ruffled my hair before I was out.
I awoke to the sun shining on my face and something tickling my nose. My tongue felt twice as thick and my head was fuzzy. I hate hangovers. As reality slowly crept into focus, I realized I wasn’t alone. Will was in bed with me. What was tickling my nose was his chest hair. I was lying on his bare chest on that soft mat of curly golden hair. He was stroking my shoulder. He wasn’t asleep. I looked up into his eyes. I rolled away from him. I sat up and looked at him. He was lying on his back with his boots and shirt off. I was embarrassed. I had curled up against him.
“Why are you here Will?”
“I said last night I needed to talk to you.”
“I need to apologize. I lied to you.”
I never expected that. I had never known him to lie. “What did you lie about?”
“I didn’t know how you felt about me until that morning with Cassie at your door. I was angry and hurt that you hadn’t told me about the baby. I lied until I could decide what to do.”
For the first time, in longer than I could remember, I felt hope. “I understand. I betrayed you. The truth is Cassie threatened to tell you how I felt and at eighteen, I wasn’t strong enough or mature enough to face the truth. We declared a truce, but she broke it when she cheated on you. I’m sorry.”
“Granddad told me that he knew about the baby and even that she had been cheating on me. Almost from the beginning.” He bowed his head in shame and humiliation. I wanted to offer comfort, but I knew we had crossed a line and didn’t know what was acceptable anymore.
“You know you could hug me Sean. I won’t break and I won’t be angry.”
I reached out and wrapped my arms around him and comforted him. I stroked his back and smoothed his hair. God, he smelled good. He was also warm and strong. We were the same height, but he had forty or fifty pounds of muscle on me. I pulled away from the hug and looked him in the eyes. I saw a mess of emotions, namely confusion and hurt. But I also saw love. He loved me, maybe it would never be more than as a friend, but I would rather have a platonic life with the man I loved than no life at all.
He looked hesitantly at me. He then leaned forward and kissed me lightly. It was as if he was testing the waters. I didn’t kiss him back. I just held still and let him kiss me. He pulled away and sort of smiled. He looked at me and tried to smile. I was still shocked. Just that slight brush of lips had me rock hard and it was a better time then any other I had had.
“I didn’t know if it would work, Sean. I spent the last few weeks thinking: ‘Could I love you?’ ‘Could we work as a couple?’ I didn’t know. I couldn’t come up with the answers alone.”
He smiled slightly at me and took my hand. He squeezed it tight. I felt my heart break again. This was not going to go my way. He turned my hand in his and looked at my fingers before kissing them each, one at a time. He then pulled my hand down into his lap. I felt a very hard, very thick, very long ridge in his jeans.
He smiled. “I think it will work out fine Sean.”
Will pulled me to him and wrapped his arms around me. He kissed me. This time the kiss wasn’t hesitant and it wasn’t light. His mouth covered mine. His lips worked over mine. His tongue pressed lightly at the seam of my lips. I gasped and he entered my mouth. His tongue moved with mine in a light caress. He didn’t dive for my tonsils and he didn’t try to suck the life out of me. It was warm and passionate. After a few sensuous moments, we parted. I could see his heart pounding in his chest. He was also flushed, his cheeks and neck and even across his shoulders were flushed a rosy pink. His cheeks were tight and his breathing was ragged.
Will stood up and undid the snaps of his jeans. He peeled them off his muscled thighs. He shucked his socks and lowered his tight, white briefs. I was amazed. His erection had tented the underwear. He had difficulty lowering the waistband over his thick staff. My mouth watered. Will was physical perfection. His arms and legs were corded with strong muscle. His chest was deep and his stomach flat. His shoulders were so very, very broad and his hips narrow. I got up on the other side of the bed and lost my shirt and dropped my boxers. My erection had slipped through the fly. I pulled off my shorts and let him peruse me like I had done him.
We had seen each other in several levels of undress before, but we’d never seen each other naked. After 14, I hadn’t seen Will without a shirt on either. “Will, why did you stop taking off your shirt?”
He blushed. “I was embarrassed about all the hair on my body. No one else seemed to be as hairy as me. When it started growing above my butt, I stopped going topless.”
“You shouldn’t have. You are very, very sexy.”
He blushed some more while crawling onto the bed. I joined him in the middle. It felt so good when he wrapped his arms around me. We were joined from knee to shoulder. All that soft curly hair was a sensual feast for my body. The feel of him, hard and steely against my belly was intense. We kissed again. At that moment I realized that I had never really kissed before. I mean, my first kissed me a few times, but after that, I avoided it. I found kissing too intimate for the nameless screwing I had been a part of. This was heaven, I’m glad I waited.
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